The Ick Why Sudden Disgust Comes Online In Relationships & What We Can Do About It

Notes

The “ick” feeling is when you’re suddenly repulsed by something your loved one says, to the point where it might overtake your experience with that person as a whole and get repulsed by them in general. Respect and admiration is gone.

Mindsets

• Having a feeling of disgust at someone means they are disgusting as a person, you just didn’t recognize it until now
• Feeling disgusted at your friends, and judging ourselves for feeling disgusted

The error is believing this feeling of disgust means something objective about the other person or ourselves. This feeling of disgust is actually information on what’s happening in the relational dynamic itself.

Sadness tells us to let go of, or grieve something. Anger tells us to set a boundary or say no to something. Disgust tells us that something is bad for us. But this doesn’t mean that the person or the entire relationship is bad for us, instead it could mean some part of the relationship dynamic is. Example: eating a pie.

The solution is to isolate where in the relational dynamic the disgust actually exist so that we don’t attribute it to the entire relationship. And then we can make a more conscious decision on whether to continue the relationship or not.

Disgust can point to the ff:

• A boundary that you have not yet drawn.
  • This comes from not being attuned to your boundaries so you can set them when you need to.
  • The disgust takes over and sets the boundaries for us.
• A way you want to express yourself in the relationship where one or both of you have not yet tried.
  • Due to having beliefs that expressing yourself in this way is wrong.
  • Or beliefs that your partner couldn’t handle that part of you.
• Misattunement.
  • This can come from you not communicating enough of your inner feelings so your partner is unable to attune with you. They think what they’re doing is fine with you but in reality, you are not fine with it. You have to be honest with what’s going on with you internally so that people can attune to you. Avoid emotional inhibition.
• Being put on a pedestal.
• An area where we have Shame.
  • If there are things we’ve internalized from a young age that we must do in order to be worthy of love or in order to deserve any sense of connection with other people, and then we see someone violating that principle, we are likely to have the same reaction of disgust towards them as we have towards ourselves when we violate it.
  • Disgust works to inhibit behavior. Your own system of inhibition is being projected to the other person.
• Difference in values.

This is the cause for losing attraction to partners when you get into a relationship with them.

When you start to feel disgust in a relationship, ask yourself,

• Where is there not enough me in the relationship?
• Where are there no boundaries where I do want to have boundaries
• Is this something I can work on? Is this an area where I have room to grow? Maybe I can be more expressive in my emotions.
• Is this a non-negotiable?

This can involve a tough conversation or setting some boundaries that can make you feel guilt or stress in the beginning. But it would give a new sense of appreciation, respect, and attraction for our partners in the long run.

After figuring out the cause of disgust, you can now choose to

• Retain the disgust. This is when what they’re doing really does not align with your values and the person you want to be.
• Remove the disgust by working on yourself and exposing yourself to more. For example: self-expression. You can be disgusted by self-expression but you know this is good and you want to develop it in yourself. You can then hang out consciously with people who freely express themselves.

Doing this will result in: Instead of confusion and judgment towards the other person, we’ll have clarity and compassion. The other person is okay. I am okay. There is just something in this relationship dynamic that isn’t working for me. I can then decide if I want to work on this or set some boundary or part ways with the other person in a more unambiguous way.