Content
Timestamps
- 20:30 How to start shifting relational strategies
Notes
When we are insecurely attached, the way we relate with other people often does not involve attunement. It’s a skill that needs to be learned.
What does attunement look like in infancy? The caregiver is able to reflect back the emotions of the child to themselves well. The caregiver is able to soothe the child and makes the child feel there is someone competent to support them. The caregiver is able to interpret the child’s non-verbal signals and nuances and responds to them appropriately.
Attunement => Presence + Curiosity
These are not available for an misattuned caregiver. So the child has to develop a strategy some other way in order to still connect with their caregiver for survival. This strategy starts with a response in the body. This is called a somatic strategy. It is where your body chooses a response that amplifies whatever pain you have in order to obtain attention from your caregiver.
Attunement develops into Differentiation + Adaptation.
Differentiation is the ability to have a healthy balance between intimacy and autonomy. Being good at Differentiation means knowing when you end and where someone else begins. It also means being able to understand where and how the two of you influence each other.
Mentalization is the ability to have a pretty good idea of what people are thinking. Mentalization helps in being adaptive in relationships. Being adaptive means understanding that not all relationships we have look the same or follow the same rules.
Misattunement => Strategy + Analysis
Analysis can be mistaken as curiosity when we try to fit the person in logical boxes in our head. Learning about personality theories and MBTI is an example.
Misattunement develops into Projection + Rigidity.
How to start shifting Misattunement strategies into Attunement
Congruence
- Am I being authentic and honest?
Mindfulness
- Do I have background scripts running?
- Am I attached to outcome?
Self-Awareness
- What do I find intolerable inside myself?
Sensitivity
- How is this relationship unique?
- How are we impacting each other in real time?
